Welcome!

Hi, I’m Liv! Welcome to my first blog post. Today I wanted to share why I feel directed to go on this journey.

 I’ve always grown up in a Christian household. I have been taught to pray before bed and meals, and that God loves you: the basic essentials. As time went on, I began to develop my own opinions and question my faith – a very normal experience for a young teen. However, as the questions continued, a fear in me began to grow. These questions became more pressing and obsessive. My thoughts became obsessed with preventing sin. It started at 13 and got a lot worse by 15. I became depressed, anxious, and antisocial all while constantly asking myself if I had done something wrong. My grades dropped, my friendships failed, and worst of all my faith had left me. In my head I was trying to prevent any sin, but that process itself had become a virus. 

After some scary events, my parents decided to have me talk to a therapist who was helpful in identifying that I had a rather severe case of scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is a form of OCD in which the obsession is related to religion. For me that looked like constantly obsessing over if I had sinned. When I say constantly, I mean every waking moment my head was flooded with these thoughts and this fear. It made me tired and unhappy all the time, I had never had panic attacks like this and honestly never felt a fear like this. This meant the thing that was supposed to bring me peace, became my biggest fear. I can confidently say that was the worst time of my life. 

My mother set up a time for me to meet with my Church’s priest, Father Jerry. I was very reluctant to go, but once I did he sat down with me and listened to me explain all of the pain. He followed with one of the most significant moments of my life. He told me that he too had scrupulosity. I remember an immediate shock in me, wondering how the holiest man I knew could possibly be struggling with the same mental torture? How could someone fully committed to God, be infected with something that tries to drive him away? How is it that out of everyone I know, the only person who can begin to understand my pain, is him? I didn’t understand it whatsoever, but I know now that was God saving my life. I began to see God as the loving father He is, and with some more help through His blessings, I was healed. 

Although that was the hardest time of my life, I wouldn’t change a second of it. It taught me to trust in God, and that is what I am doing now. I don’t know why he gave me my disorder, and I don’t know why I am called upon for this mission. I do know that the same way he held me through all of the pain, he will hold me through this. I know that God is good and he always provides. That is why I am going on this mission. I trusted in God once and it made me a better person, I know if I say yes again, good will come.

Please pray for me and donate if you can, thanks!!